There are so many Kirtans written by Bhaktivinoda Thakur and these touch my heart deeply. One of the Kirtan with which I personally feel direct relation to my life is,

emona durmati, saḿsāra bhitore,
poḍiyā āchinu āmi
tava nija-jana, kono mahājane,
pāṭhāiyā dile tumi

I am a wicked mind, fallen in this material world. You have sent a pure and elevated devotee.

Who is he? He is, “My Gurudev”.

Who has sent? “Gauranga Mahaprabhu has sent His own person.” This is quite true for me. My Gurudev arrived at my place. He stayed at the place of Radhamohan Prabhu who was a disciple of Gaudiya Math and was working as a clerk for my uncle who was an advocate. I did not know before that he was the disciple of Gaudiya Math. Guruji came to his house and stayed there which became favorable for me. I never went to his house before. That time I went there and saw Guruji. He was so affectionate to me. I listened to his Harikatha but that time I could not understand the language of Gaudiya Math. There were many people who used to come to listen Srila Gurudev’s Harikatha. I used to listen him, standing there. My friend also used to listen to him. Guruji was explaining about "antaraga-shakti, bahiranga-shakti" which I never had heard before even in college. But now I also speak the same topics. That time I could just understand that he is a Krishna-bhakta (Devotee of Lord Sri Krishna) and if I want Krishna-bhakti I need to go to him. The ontological aspects of Lord are difficult to understand. Even though he was speaking in Bengali language, I could not understand.

Guruji told me, “I am going to so and so village, you come there. We will go by boat crossing the Brahmputra River”. I did not reply anything to him. I knew my father would not give me permission to go. And would I go without permission? So out of fear I could not speak anything. All went there to see off Guruji but I did not go because I had the fear that if I go there then he would ask me again to go along with him. What would I reply to him? Though I was very much perturbed and wanted to go, I could not. I used to write letters to him and he used to reply me at Radhamohan Prabhu’s address. Guruji told me in a letter that he would stay in Kolkata for some time. In my Purva-ashram (in the ashram before Brahmacharya-ashram), I did not go to places like Kolkata or Barrackpore etc. When Guruji was at 8, Hazra Road, I went there and told him, “I did not like material world because it is temporary. No one will stay here eternally.” In Goalpara he instructed me to read Jaiva Dharma. When I asked for that book, the librarian was surprised. He told that no one had asked for that book before. When I read Jaiva Dharma, all my questions were answered. One more time I went to Kolkata, no one in my house knew it.

I told Guruji, “This material world is non-eternal, everything is temporary here. Everything comes and goes; day becomes night, I do not like anything. I feel like leaving this material world. But.."

Guruji asked, “But.. what?"

I replied, "I have enjoying tendency also. I have both the things together. Is it okay to leave the material world in this situation?”

Who is Guruji? Guruji was sent by Gauranga Mahaprabhu Himself; just like He had sent Bhaktivinoda Thakur. Guruji came in his disciplic succession.

Guruji replied me, “There are defects in everyone. Every person has more or less enjoying tendency. There is nothing to be worried about. Take absolute shelter to the Lord Krishna. He is All-powerful. He will remove all weakness from your heart. Do not fear.”

I asked, “Then should I leave material world.”

He replied, “Yes”.

Then again a thought came in my mind, “My father loves me so much. Sometimes he scolds me but he feeds me so lovingly. If I leave him then would I not incur sin?”

I expressed my thoughts to Guruji in reply to which he said, “We all read Gita but we do not have faith in those teachings. Krishna says in Gita,

sarva-dharmān parityajya
mām ekaṁ śaraṇaṁ vraja
ahaṁ tvāṁ sarva-pāpebhyo
mokṣayiṣyāmi mā śucaḥ
(Srimad Bhagavad Gita 18.66)

Krishna says, "Abandon all your duties and surrender unto Me, I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear."

When Arjun was not willing to kill his relatives, then the Lord asked him, "Who are you to kill anyone. I already have killed everyone. Behold My Vishvaroopa (the gigantic form). You are only instrumental, why do you understand yourself to be cause for it, falsely. Even if one comes to Me leaving all his duties of Varnashram-dharm, I shall make him free from all the sins. You are from Me, you are in Me and you are for Me.”

Then I asked, “Should I come?”

“Yes.”

“Should I bring mattress with me?”

“No, no need to bring mattress.”

“Should I run away from my house?”

“Yes”

I ran away from my house and came to Math.

You have books of Bhaktivinoda Thakur. You read them. He is a personal associate of Gauranga Mahaprabhu. Mahaprabhu Himself came as Bhaktivinoda Thakur. Association of a devotee of the Lord is more beneficial to us than the association of Lord. We get devotion through a devotee only. I did not even hear the name of Mahaprabhu before. I did not know anything about Gaudiya Math. Do not know from where Guruji came and brought me here. So the Lord showers His mercy through His devotee only. Mahaprabhu Himself came as a devotee and distributed Divine Love to everyone. And non-different from him, Bhaktivinoda Thakur, who gave his identity in Gitamala-granth as 'Kamal Manjari', is serving in Krishna-lila under the shelter of Rupa Manjari. Prabhupad is 'Nayanamani Manjari'. Therefore, Guruji named the deities he established at Kolkata and Tezpur Math as ‘Nayananath’ and ‘Nayanamohan respectively based on his Gurudev’s identity in Krishna-lila. On the advice of one of his God brothers, he kept the name ‘Nayanamani’ for the deity in Jagannath Puri. Nayanamani, Nayananath means worshipable object of Nayanamani Manjari. So today on this auspicious Tithi, I pay my innumerable prostrated obeisance to the lotus feet of Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur and pray for his causeless mercy. Knowingly and unknowingly whatever offenses I have committed, may he forgive me and bestow upon me the service of His worshipable Lord Gauranga Mahaprabhu and Sri Radha Krishna.

Guruji used to dictate and I used to write. That was my service that time. Even Guruji did not allow me to do any other services like cutting vegetables etc. He used to say, “You would cut your hand. Come with me and do the service of writing for me”. Once Guruji was dictating and I was writing. We were at a devotee’s house in Sarbhog. Guruji suddenly asked me to bring Kalyan-kalpa-taru and read it. I thought, “What is the matter? Why is Guruji telling me to read Kalyan-kalpa-taru suddenly?” I brought the book and started reading it. I read only a half portion of it and my voice choked; I could not read further. Guruji told, “Done, keep it back”, then a thought came in my mind; I might have understood Bhaktivinoda Thakur as an ordinary Grihastha somewhere in my heart, so to rectify me Gurudev told me to read this book. All his writings are transcendental. I did not have his Darshan but our Gurudev is non-different from him. I pay my innumerable obeisance to the lotus feet of my Gurudev and pray for his causeless mercy. I have committed so many offenses knowingly or unknowingly. May he forgive me and bestow on me the service of His worshipable Lord Gauranga Mahaprabhu and Sri Radha Nayananath and Radha Shayamsundar.